Sometimes I feel jealous of those who don’t try. Those who don’t have any expectations. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for all the things I’m good at, but sometimes I wonder what it’s like.

When I have a good reputation among teachers, I feel like I don’t have room for mistakes, like I’m being put on a pedestal. I don’t want to break the picture that they’ve painted, so I put on a mask, practice my smiles, and let them believe it. It’s easier that way. I can’t let them know about my pathetic life, so I shove everything under my bed, keeping it hidden. Yet, I feel like I’m slipping, like things are slowly starting to crumble before me. Everything I’ve built up, all my hopes and dreams disappearing into the wind.

I’ve been feeling strange lately. I feel tired just by laying on my bed. I feel overwhelmed just by doing nothing. I know I have homework. I know I have stuff to do, but it’s like a part of me cares and part of me doesn’t. “But I’ve already come so far, I can’t give up now!” Is what I’ve been trying to tell myself. Although I’ve been trying to keep telling myself “I’m fine,” I don’t know if I really am. It’s like I feel this empty space in my soul.

Some days I wonder if anybody, outside my family, would notice if I just… stopped showing up to school. Would they reach out to me? Would they even care? I feel like everyone hates me. Maybe I should just stop talking, would that make everything better? Why do I have to be annoying?

I feel like I haven’t been improving at anything. I feel like I’m “tired” of everything. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m doing anything with my life.

Forever and Always, Anxieteen;