Since my anxiety started, I became socially awkward. The fear of socialization always made it hard to make long lasting relationships. Because it was always hard to make friends, I got excited when I found a friend group during my 8th grade year. Things were going really well. Probably because we were all pretty awkward. I thought we’d be friends for at least a couple more years, but I was wrong.

I’m not exactly sure if the problems started because two of them decided to date and would back each other up or the fact that we allowed another person into the group.  For whatever reason, I became no one.  The couple started to make plans to get together and invited everyone but me. It would have been okay if I wasn’t in the text group.  Why include me in the text and not invite me?  Needless to say, it hurt me more than I would have wanted. We currently have a class together, so they continued to talk about their plans like I didn’t exist.  I held my tears until I got home.  I hated myself for feeling this way.  The day they finally got together they shared pictures of their time together.  My mother advised me not to open the messages anymore. I decided not to sit around and ponder what it would be like if I was there.  Instead, I went out to the movies and headed to the mall.  Shopping didn’t stop the pain I felt but it sure made it better. Life seemed less complicated when I didn’t have friends, lonelier yes but not as painful. I contemplated deleting the group and just cutting myself out from them. Who wants to be in a toxic relationship, right? I know that seems like the right thing to do but as much as I tried I couldn’t.  I had worked so hard and it took me almost 5 years to be able to talk to my peers that I found it difficult to remove myself from the group. 

I have been ignoring their group texts, and I’m going to try to distance myself. I don’t know how I’m going to find new friends, and the mere thought brings tears to my eyes. But I’d rather be alone than have @sshole friends.

Forever and Always, Anxieteen;