I never batted an eye for my grades back in elementary. The care for my grades occured when I started to get anxiety, and over time I believe I developed a crave for Academic Validation. According to southwestshadow.com, this is when a student relies on their academics to feel recognized as an individual.

I didn’t know there was an actual term for what I was feeling. I was searching the internet about how stupid I felt that I had gotten an 80 and came across a hashtag with academic validation.  It described me to a T.  It gave me some relief that I wasn’t crazy for how I felt.  

I started to feel like I needed to get good grades to feel loved, and felt like a failure if I got anything below a 95%. As I started to accomplish those grades, I started to get noticed by the teachers which helped my self esteem. “You’re a girl with many talents” or “You’re amazing! You give me chills!”, they would say. All the awards and their praises is like a drug, one I can’t quit.

My parents’ expectations didn’t help as it was like I had to climb Mount Everest to reach them. Getting 90’s and above was a given.  They didn’t accept anything else. Therefore, I felt that my stress was worth it cause I got to make them proud.  

Overtime I became my biggest critic. My parents don’t have to be disappointed in me because I do it for them. I always tear up when I get B’s on an assignment or a test.  I am unable to control the feeling of defeat.  My mom no longer gets upset but encourages me to keep trying and not give up.  Even if she is okay with my academic performance, I still feel upset by my lack of a perfect score.  

I am not sure if this is a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, I enjoy getting good grades and on the other hand, it affects my mental health. There isn’t much research on academic validation, so I am not sure how to help myself.

Forever and Always, Anxieteen;