I wish you knew I suffered from anxiety without having to tell you when I have an episode. Why can’t you read my accommodations, so I don’t have to explain what is wrong with me. Explaining it makes it so much worse. No, I can’t control it although I wish I could. Trust me, I hate it too and wonder often what is wrong with me. I am not sure why I can’t get over it. I do wish I was more like my peers and maybe more like you.

I wish you knew I am really trying to stay awake.  I don’t want to sleep in class. I sure would hate to be called out or have my desk banged on like you do to other kids. There are nights I just can’t sleep.  These anxieties just don’t let me.  I toss and turn in my bed until I can’t deal with it anymore and then I go call my mom.  My mom tries her hardest to comfort me but after a long day of work, she is pretty tired too.  Sometimes I can fall asleep with my mom’s help, but other times that isn’t enough.  I get up and chew gum and try all my different strategies.  By the time I fall asleep, it’s time to wake up.  My mom tries to get me to stay home, but I’m too afraid of missing out on learning. So no, I’m not falling asleep because your class is boring. I just haven’t slept all night. 

I wish you knew that it takes me 15 minutes to talk myself into asking for a piece of paper when taking a test or asking for help.  Trust me I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need it. I don’t want to make you upset and I don’t want to get in trouble.  What if you refuse to give me a piece of paper or help me? What if my peers make fun of me because I got in trouble or because I don’t understand.  Even worse, what if I fail since I can’t write my notes or comprehend your directions. Why couldn’t I be smarter? I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this.

I wish you knew that I chew gum because it makes me control my anxiety and thus makes me feel normal. Sometimes I don’t want to.  My jaw hurts from all the chewing. The spearmint gum has done a good job controlling my anxiety.  Your comments about my gum or you asking me to spit it out takes me a long time to get over it.  My anxiety forces me to replay that event over and over throughout the day.  Yes, it ruins my mood. Then I get home and think about all the things I didn’t pay attention to and all the learning I didn’t do.  I worry about whether or not I had homework. I can’t remember because all I thought of was the comment you made about my gum.  I hate getting in trouble.  It would have all been avoided if you had just read my accomodations. 

I wish you knew that I asked to go to the restroom because my anxiety causes my bladder to go on overdrive. Again, it takes me 15 minutes to work up the courage to ask you.  I don’t want to get rejected. I worry about having an accident. What if I wait and the next teacher doesn’t let me go?  I could go between classes but last time I did that I almost didn’t make it to class during a tardy round up (teachers lock their  doors when the bell rings, and the remaining students get sent to the office). It was a horrible feeling, and I don’t want to take the risk. I could wait until my next class, but I’m afraid to miss out on notes or something important. I’m way too scared to ask about it.  I work on different scenarios before I go to bed to try to time my restroom breaks as best I can, so I don’t get in trouble. I take everything into consideration. What type of teacher you are, am I most likely to get in trouble with you for asking, do I have something important coming up, are you nicer or meaner than the next teacher, how have you responded before, how did you respond to someone else, are you going to be in a bad mood or a good mood? I worry the whole time but all would have been avoided if I was never told no in the first place. If only you would have just read my accommodations. 

I miss you when you don’t come to school as I don’t know what to expect.  I’m sure you didn’t let the substitute know about my accommodations because they didn’t let me go to the restroom or chew gum. I actually got yelled at and now every time I see a sub, my anxiety goes out of control.  I hate it when you’re not there and I hate it more that I feel this way.  If only you would have let the sub know that I could chew gum, I wouldn’t be so afraid of not seeing you in the classroom.  If only…

You don’t notice but all of this causes my anxiety to worsen and I cry. You don’t notice my silent cries because I wear a mask to cover it. Your negative tone and response affects me more than you can imagine. Yes, I feel weak and vulnerable, and I hate it. Yes, I wish I could just get over it. Believe me. I’ve tried. I know what you are thinking because I think so too. I can’t blame you. No one trains us about mental awareness, so I don’t expect you to understand. I just wish you would read my accommodations and make me feel semi-normal.

Forever and Always Anxieteen;